The Not So Sophisticated Henley Regatta.

The girls who failed the VVIP Isle Of Wight Festival open bar are back at the most prestigious regatta in the world.. Henley. 

Every year I stumble over the bridge surrounded by skittle trousers and women tripping in their maxis thinking: How did i get here again?

It’s a stressful time of the year (first world problem). I spend the week before deciding on my “look” that will make me fit in with the “high society.” At the same time knowing full well I will be stumbling around with silly shoes down a rocky footpath, in a field/bank, trying to find a bar that will not charge an extortionate amount so I can have my drink in a coconut (yes Mahiki bar i am talking about you…)


However I some how have ended up coming every year since I was 16..


So this year I decided my regatta days were well and truly over but all of sudden Jess uttered the words bar..

Her family had tickets to a corporate area right in the middle of the regatta and they kindly got me a ticket. So there I was in silly shoes squeezing myself across the bridge of skittle trousers and maxis. Roll on year 7…

I will not be writing the start to finish of the story of Henley because we basically sat in the same place and drowned ourselves in Pimm’s and champagne. but here is how to do the ” Not So Sophisticated Regatta”

1.  Become a Jerk (it’s Henley Regatta..where else can you?)

We got to our bar which had seating overlooking the river, our own champagne and Pimm’s on the go and a nice fence in between us and the people stumbling on the rocky footpath trying to find a bar that will not charge an extortionate amount to have a drink out of a coconut.

I sat in my chair smiling at these people with my glass of free champagne  and a backdrop of fines specimens (some call them rowers) occasionally gliding past me on the water.

There was also champagne in the toilets…(just saying)

2.Have well breaded group of jug drinkers with you:


Max (jess’s boyfriend who basically is Sherlock)

Sophia; Jess’s cool little sister- who also prevented the awkward third wheel situation.

3.Adopt someone who belongs at regatta:

we adopted this nice chap: Fraser.

Name: check

Look: check.

Rower: check.

Strong breaded jug drinker: CHECK.

4. Finding ways to entertain yourself

Like 90% of all regatta go-ers, we don’t know what this rowing thing is all about (apart from Fraser) so we found other things to do:

-Game 1 The Skittle Men:

-Game 2: the photo reaction game:

“max in the dog house..”

“you have just seen Kate Middleton…”

“the bar has ran out”

5. Run the bar dry

when are you ever going to be at Henley Regatta and not have to buy a single thing?  excatly. leave your class and pass the glass.  it’s not like i am going to pay £20 to dance in a tent anytime sooon…  (silly Mahiki)

6.Get a celebrity

We found a whole new group of cooler, prettier people then us; one being Benjamin Duncan (old BB house mate)  I think we may have scared them off with the whole leaving class thing.

7. Over stay your welcome

we stumbled to the bar for another Pimm’s refill. The bar staff (who we of course befriended over the afternoon) broke the news there was nothing left. we looked around and realised we were the only ones left in the area. so we slowly made our way back home..

8. End with the same class as you begun: 

we ended up in the chicken shop…I think.

so long regatta for another year. 


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