The Party Where I Lost My Youth.

I woke up feeling very old. I had just experienced Elliott’s younger sister, Jemma’s 18th and I was having flash backs to brightly coloured shots, denim shorts and public make out sessions.

It was your standard private school party. Jemma had invited her all girls year group and the boys from the equivalent male private school(s). They had just finished their final A levels and were free from school education ready to go on a gap-yar* or to university like Durham to study English (if their parents were the pushy type)

So as you can imagine everyone was cray cray* and full of banter*

I was only there to help out Elliott with keeping it all under control, but I was quite excited as I wasn’t able to go to a lot of these “cool parties” when growing up. Mainly because I looked like this:

(Yes that’s my mouth full of braces)

I used to throw my own and pray people would turn up. (It’s amazing how many friends you gain when you offer free Bercardi Breezers)

This was a Hawaiian themed party, there was a limbo stick to enter a marquee which was filled with cardboard Hawaiian cut outs, inflatable palm trees and large bowls of red punch.

The DJ was setting up and said to me “ Will you be one of the older ones who are going to request things from like.. the 90s?”

The 90’s suddenly felt like an eternity ago.

Elliott showed me the alcohol collection we had to hide in the utility room. Mummy-Elliott had gone to Costco and bulked brought everything from beer, vodka and Pimm’s ( yay).

Well this going to be interesting to hide from 80 kids that don’t all have ID’s yet.

Elliott’s parents and their friends were having their own party in another bit of the garden. (yes it was not unusual to grow up with friends who had more than one section of a garden) I saw the wine and the fresh salads. Part of me wanted to ditch Elliott and go to that party but it was too late..

Jemma handed me a tray of chemistry tube shots filled with peach schnapps to give out to her friends as they entered. Elliott’s job was to make them limbo and pass out Hawaiian flowers.

The cars drove in, every seat was filled with big haired girls wearing bikini tops and hot pants. My jeans and flower neckless, making me look frigid and sensible (it’s a night time garden party, gotta keep warm!). The boys swagged their way towards the entrance, playing it very cool which soon came to halt when Elliott demanded them to limbo.


A younger brother of a friend was one of these boys. Last time I saw him he was a squeaky little 12 year old so when he was towering over me with a face of stubble and a voice like batman I realised how old I had become.
A couple of hours in, Elliott and I were trying to feed “no carbs before Marbs*” girls hot dogs to soak up the punch. (Which probably was my fault as the more Pimm’s I drank the less I cared about the measures when refilling the bowls)

The hot dogs ended up on he floor. We tried to feed them cake but they were not having any of it.

By this point everyone had turned into vampires but they didn’t want blood, they wanted vodka…

I found some Ralph Lauren boy and his girl in mine and Elliott’s secret utility room drinking vodka from the bottle. I told him how unhygienic that was and chucked them out.

I was that person we used to hate at a party.

We went out to do a check on the grounds, most were dancing to Jay-Z (or some rapper), boy and girl were making out on the sofa, then we smelt a whiff of weed.

“What’s that?? what that?” Elliott shrieked and marched off to find the stoners.

I’m not sure what his plan was if he found them.

By this point it was just passed midnight and to my surprise people were trying to get taxis to go to another party. (I found it hard enough to get invited to one?!)

The DJ was at the end of the set and Mummy-Elliott ended the party.

Ah sophisticated wine time I thought. Rumour had it however, there was a free house down the road belonging to one of the girls so they all stumbled there. We were asked by Mummy-Elliott to check up on the house so off we went to party number two.

The house looked expensive , we squeezed through the electric gates which had just been forced opened. (I told you they were like vampires) and went into this open planned house filled with preppy drunk boys and girls it reminded me of a Jack Wills catalogue.

Some girl twirled over

“There is a threesome in the room at the end.”

…I took a breath

“Right Elliott, we are off I need some wine..”

And that is when I realised I was now officially one of the grown ups.
Private school terms:

Gap-Yar: like a gap year but taken by private school kids. The majority work in ski chalets, inter-railing or cuddling babies on their Facebook pages.

Cray Cray: crazy

Banter: only boys use this but it means having fun or making fun of someone. it’s also used to cover up an embarrassing event that may have occurred when you were drunk. ” last night Freddy and I made out..what? It was just banter”

No carbs before Marbs : taken from the only way is Essex : no carbohydrates before Marbella. (A popular destination for private schools as well as Essex!)

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